Just finished Army Daze on Saturday... And I already miss it. It was really great there, a reprieve from reality, even if it was only temporal.
I miss the cast, the crew, the Arts House, the blue soccer ball, Sasi's PSP, the set, the props, the bullshit and crap and nonsense, the fun, the experience... everything...
o.o
It sounds a bit emo, but I really treasure this period... I think it has taught me a lot more than all my academic lessons combined. And I sure can remember it better than them.
Now it's back to the boredom and monotone of daily life... The only thing I have to look forward to is Drama Feste on 25th and 26th July, which is still a long ways away.
Oh yea, I still have Chinese project, Physics CCT, Biology CCT... Goddamit.
Recorded at 9:22 PM
shadowed.
Entry - Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Ok.. just great. It's late, I have tons of shit to do, I'm itchy, the music's a little repetitive (serves me right) and the com has just got to go off and screw the pages.
Anyway, before you do anything, watch this awesome rendition of Creep by 林宥嘉.
Can't seem to find the track anywhere, so yea. That's that.
Ok. My sis is back, so I have keep this short. And she just got accepted into NTU.
Beautiful falsetto.
So I'm damned apprehensive about Army Daze, which, if you didn't already know about, it's probably too late to now. The tickets are all but sold out... what an amazing response.
But that only adds even more pressure to it, doesn't it? Full houses for all 3 shows.. which is like holy crap.
And even now, 2 days from production Rewind. SMS. And Falsetto again. and we're still nowhere near that level. Goddammit.
I'm really afraid that we'll just fall flat on our face, like so many I've done before: Rewind again. BuckeyDF'07, last year's Drama Challenge... all scars along the skin of my life. Like hell. Shit.
So you can see I'm quite pissed. Had to do RE stuff that Derek hadn't done for shit, Falsetto again. Oh my god. And screwy italics. and lots of Chinese I haven't done too. There's CCTs coming up. My life is unravelling at too fast a pace.
I should just relax. Such angst. Applause.
Oh yea, and my hair is too freaking short. But it's still just hair. And I'm screwed up anyway. Hair won't change a bull.
I'm really tired. Thinking of going to sleep?
Recorded at 10:13 PM
shadowed.
Recorded at 10:10 PM
shadowed.
Entry - Thursday, April 17, 2008
Ah screw it. Life sucks.
I'm getting more and more tardy. I don't know why. I mean... I don't have the conviction, courage nor the motivation to start writing random stuff. I got all these random trains of thought running all around my head, and for one or two lucid moments, I'm able to organise them, even weave it into a decent looking essay framework. But then, after a while, without writing nor typing it down, it gets lost. Dammit.
So I was in the shower (getting screamed at by my sister, no less) when I was thinking about these stuff, you know. Like, how I, as a general asshole, don't have enough conviction and motivation to actually overcome my nature of procrastination (which, as Leeni points out, exists). I can probably think of about a thousand separate examples of things that I've thought about while in the shower, on the bus, in class, in bed, on the stairs... I don't know. It's just super random, but I think, at least at that point in time, that they are at least worth some thought and reflection.
Now, I was never one for serious reflection on my soul, or whatever. It's like, when people chide me or chastise (or was it chasten? I never remember) me, I have like three moments of acceptance before I detach myself from the emotion of guilt. It's always like that. But.. that's a separate story altogether.
Back to the point. Stuff like a hospital, Community Day, how the society is degenerating morally, how Singaporean Chinese shows suck, how the world is pathetic, stuff like that.. I've always been wanting to pelt it all out, but I've never actually gotten around much to doing it. Only very rarely.
There's like, no motivation and conviction, which by themselves are really abstract too. Are they mindsets? Random electro-signal-thingys bouncing around in your brain? Actual, tangible chemicals that flow in your blood? What is motivation? The environment? The people around you? And how can you have conviction? Is it when you grit your teeth to pass through the baptism of fire? How do you control them, how do you create them, how do you grasp them?
Is that just me? Or is it just a thing that infects all the people who are filtered through the screen of society, that once you pass over the threshold between the world of childhood into the galaxy of adulthood, you just become a loser? I wonder, though I'll probably never know, how many suffer from a lack of conviction and motivation as well.
I know this sounds really angsty, but I guess it's just a way life transforms you, from a carefree butterfly into a troubled... okay, I can't find a metaphor for this, so just an angsty boy. I guess very few break away from this shitty cycle of being force-moulded into the system by the people who are products of the system themselves.
Sorry if this sounds a bit incoherent, but it's just where my brain leads me to think next. It's just like an monkey swinging around in the forest: grabbing onto the next available vine without giving thought. I just poured out a whole chunk of my brain into here. Wait, not really. Sounds like a Pensieve.
